I'm angry, are you as well? COVID, Racism, Trump, Injustice, money, safety...all of these issues and many more are converging at the moment and impacting how we connect with ourselves and others-- ultimately ruining our sex life! Studies are reporting decreased sexual activity and satisfaction during the Pandemic and increased domestic violence, disputes and plans for divorce. This unprecedented time is overwhelming. We all need to support ourselves and each other to not only get through this chaos, but not further damage our own bodies and our loved ones.
This week's episode of Sex Marks the Spot, I'm talking about how anger impacts our physiological response, connection with ourselves and others. I'll also provide some proven tips on how to manage anger to move through this strong emotion, rather than reacting with aggression or withdrawal.
Stay sage & healthy!
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Are you angry right now? And is this anger really screwing up your sexual well-being and your relationships with yourself and others You Are Not Alone.
Hi. ‘m Dr Catalina Lawsin and I’m angry too.
So let’s get down and talk about how this is affecting our sexual being and our connection to ourselves and others.
I’m Dr. Catalina Lawsin, PhD a licensed clinical psychologist. And I love talking about sex. Sex Marks The spot is a podcast that Bridges the gap between what we know and what we actually do when it comes to sex relationships and help this unprecedented time is fostering so much fucking
anger. I find myself very much needing to to compartmentalize. Eyes, sometimes this anger in figuring out how best to process it. But it’s there and it’s been brewing and I feel like in the context of what’s been happening between all of the
huge events that are going on that we do not have control over this sense of helplessness and apathy very much just
maintains and exacerbates these emotions of anger. So what ends up happening to our bodies and our sexual well-being
when we get angry? Well a few things happen.
You often hear people talking about angry sex and oh angry sex just it’s good to get it out abso-freaking-lutely when
I’m angry it absolutely getting that dose of oxytocin releasing those endorphins. I getting that opening absolutely can refuel. Unfortunately, that’s for a minority of individuals. Unfortunately, what is the majority of the reactions when individuals get angry is is that they may aggress but the also are more likely to withdraw detach disconnect again at the core of I see anger and sadness hurt guilt. Shame all as flips of a coin. So when we feel helpless which I do think that right now with the covid with black lives matter with the elections with all of these things the economy all of these huge life impacting events with all of this uncertainty.
The anger is so palpable. It’s hard to talk about. So what happens to our bodies our heart rates increased Our
arteries vasoconstrict are breathing. Shorter, all of our muscles get tense and all we’re doing is feeling tight and wanting to fight or hit something or just get the hell out of Dodge in just say screw it. We’re detaching from our bodies. So it is during times like this that we and is hard and unrealistic as it may seem. We need to pause in first acknowledge acknowledge the anger just like every other emotion is an emotion. And it feels uncomfortable but that it’s a real emotion. We need to acknowledge the thoughts that are underlying this for me personally. I am so angry at the politics around so many of these fundamental issues that are leading to death and murders it angers me.
And we need to acknowledge that anger. And then reconnect and first and foremost tell our bodies check in what am I needing right now?
So for me so much of what I’ve learned with this and with my clients is First and foremost you have to start with yourself because too much of this anger, we project it out particularly to the people closest to us – to our partners to our families because- One proximity amidst all of this isolation. There was a ones that we actually are connecting with and when we have anger our body is just looking for places because it wants to mobilize it wants to act to externalize that anger. So first and foremost grounding and really just acknowledging.
What’s behind this anger and asking yourself?
What do I need?
What do I need to actually?
Feel a sense of control right now.
What can I do?
And first start with yourself, what can I do to myself to
self-soothe then think action so much right now amidst all
of these movements all of this crisis that it’s going on
What can I do?
To prove my sense of self in my sense of who I am in this larger community. And again, it doesn’t have to be a huge thing. It can be something as okay. You know what actually I want to reach out and have some tough conversations or I want to sit and I want to research more and more. So I understand better.
What’s underlying this anger and how it relates to me.
I wonder stand what had what my family what’s my history
What was what did I what was I born into that?
I actually pre-existed.
What’s Happening Here in getting a better understanding of all of the factors that influence where we are now or black lives matter reading up on all of the context around this when we’re thinking about the pandemic thinking about the systemic layers that contribute to these disparities how those implications absolutely affect our economy our health or education all of the sectors and then how that is passed along over and over across generations of poverty of Oppression of racism how that trauma and those negative experiences of anger and hatred are passed on and how we learned to do that and it how it impacts us. So if you’re angry right now.
You aren’t alone.
There’s a lot to be angry about.
So I encourage you and I’m going to do the same to not run away from this anger.
But to acknowledge it move through it figure out what you need right now to self to take care of you and connect to you and again particularly within your relationships and then how you can actively Shift or a impact you in your community to address.
What is underlying the anger?
This may not seem like it has anything to do with sex and relationships, but it absolutely does and I hope that that was clear thinking about how our anger generally detaches us at a time where there is no better time than right now to get through this together.
There is no better time to remind us of what is important in our connections and relationships are fundamental to our existence.
Thanks for listening guys.
I hope that this was affirming as well as encouraging but
if it was uncomfortable to sit with that, too.